Category Archives: Food

+8lbs since Jan 15 2014

Do you know what I’m not doing right now, despite the above weigh-in?

I’m not panicking. I’m not freaking out.

Yes, I gained just over half a stone.

I gained over half a stone in two months, in which I didn’t weigh myself regularly, check out calories, or, in much of the case of June, eat properly.

I’ve had worse weigh-ins over the span of a three-week holiday (or close to it).

Admittedly, it means that I’m landing pretty damn close to that 380lbs mark that I really don’t want to be close to – it’s one of the benchmarks of, “OH SHIT I’M REALLY LOSING IT,” that I’ve made to gauge how badly my weight gain is (the other being 400lbs, which is, “OH FUCKING HELL I’M DYING AND I’M DEAD WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED THAT I’M BACK HERE WHAT DID I DO DID I EAT AN ELEPHANT AND THEN IMMEDIATELY STEP ON THE SCALES?!”) while I’m aiming for the 350lbs mark. When I get to 350lbs, I aim for 300lbs and try not to go above 350lbs, or it starts all over again, etc.

But right now, I’m not particularly worried, because, as I said, I’ve had worse weigh-ins after a holiday. Once everything’s completely settled down – I still have a crapload of stuff to actually get sorted out re: house, stuff, money, STUFF STUFF STUFF – I’ll hopefully not only be able to get back to the gym for Actual Exercise, as well as going for my wee walks down to the woods when it’s good weather, but I should be able to look into going Keto for a while before transferring to a modified Paleo diet, because I really can’t mentally do full Paleo. I’m not sure how I’ll modify it. I’ll need to do some research and see how other people have modified it.

For instance, I know that Paleo Parents have posted photos on their Instagram feed showing “non-Paleo” foods on their dinner table! *GASP*

The idea had honestly never occurred to me when I first heard of Paleo, to be honest. I thought it was the Paleoway or the highway.

So that’s what I’ll be aiming for, once I’m settled enough to think about it. Hopefully before the end of August. :) I’d love to see a weight loss for next month, but I won’t freak out if I don’t.

I’ve been feeling unwell. I have a very strong feeling that my body’s trying to tell me something:

My stomach, and my digestive system, have been in revolt against me, possibly in cahoots, for the past week or two.

I’m talking constant gurgling, noise erupting from both ends, acid reflux although I’m on Omeprazole, and annoyingly bad breath.

Now, if I’d still been living with Mum and Dad, I’d have put it down to the fact that my little sister and brother-and-law have been visiting for the past two weeks and there’s actually been food at Mum and Dad’s for a change.

(Probably mostly Lorna and Matt’s, but still! There’s food at Mum and Dad’s! :) There’s never usually a huge abundance of food at Mum and Dad’s, because they sort of just buy what they need, and Mum tries not to buy too much junk.)

Of course, my house’s food situation is much the same: I buy what I need for my meals, and for one evening of snacking.

And then I regularly go to the shops during the week and buy enough crap to feed a small family for a week.

So, what’s my body saying?

Clearly, my body is saying, “get yourself under control.”

My body is saying, “I do not much like this. I know that I’m having these stupid cravings, but that doesn’t mean that that’s actually what I need. That’s a ridiculous chemical reaction that’s been programmed into you by the food companies.”

My plan?

I don’t know, if I’m being honest. Obviously I’ve been at this long enough to know what works, in terms of weight loss. I know what works in terms of cutting out fat and cutting out sugar. I don’t really do cutting out meat, so don’t even mention it. *grin*

My immediate thought is, of course, South Beach Phase one. It’s absolute hell, but it’s the only thing I know for a fact that gets rid of my cravings (at least by the end of the two weeks, haha!), which will leave me free to start any number of my other plans – Atkins, or to try out The Mount Athos Diet, which I bought a few weeks ago and I like the plan. I’ve got a zillion and one “diets” I can follows, but I think we’re all fairly aware that diets don’t actually work. I really do need to find something that I can do, long-term (potentially and preferably for the rest of my life!), without worrying about cravings.

This is where I’m pretty thankful for Slimpods. At least I’m not overeating. That’s a blessing.

It’s just these bloody cravings.

Thing is, I do have a second Slimpod, which is to help with sugar cravings, and it seemed to work a little, but definitely not enough. There was a lot in the recording about losing your cravings because you know it’s the best thing for your, because of how you love yourself, etc (I think! Mostly I’m asleep when I listen to the recordings.) but… I don’t love myself, so my brain doesn’t change the way it works with regards to the cravings. With the full signal, it worked, because I didn’t have one, and everything made sense.

So there’s the problem, right?

Right, exactly.

Notes On In Which Tracy Eats Her Feelings

Apparently my brain went entirely during the filming of this. Please ignore all of the inconsistencies in the English language!

What I meant at the start was, “It’s been a while since I’ve done one,” not, “It’s been a while since I’ve not not one.”

And please notice my eyeshadow! :D I know I usually do the whole thing where I make myself as pretty as possible for my vlogs, but this time I went all-out and did the rainbow eyeliner thing. Or, well. I attempted to do the rainbow eyeliner thing.

Here, have an Instagram photo:

FATGIRLslim | The One With The Rainbow Eyeliner

And, as I said during the video, please comment below if you have any thoughts/feelings/personal experience with emotional eating. I know it’s a huge thing with me, and I’d like someone else’s viewpoint on it, please!

“Whatever it is that compels me to write a diary is the same thing that inspires me to write and create characters and draw and sing and dance: the inability to express myself verbally or orally. (May 24, 2003)”

FATGIRLslim | Tracy's Mad Fat Diaries

Warning: THIS IS A SERIOUSLY IMAGE-HEAVY POST. But pretty interesting, too.

I don’t know how many of you have been watching My Mad Fat Diary. It should probably be ALL OF YOU, but probably won’t be. It’ll probably be closer to none of you, which is because a lot of y’all are in America. For details, check out the Wikipedia page, because otherwise I’ll spend about 2,000 words babbling about it. Suffice it to say that I found myself relating to the main character, Rae (Rachel), pretty easily… except for the whole bit where boys found her attractive. That never happened to me.

See, I’ve kept a diary ever since I was a kid. Like, since I was maybe five or six. I should have diaries dating back more than 20 years, but the diaries I kept when I was that young got torn up and/or burned when I was scared that my Mum and Dad or sisters would find them. They were the cutesy kind, with the lock on them, and the pretty paper inside. Not such pretty things inside, though, as I’m sure you know by now.

FATGIRLslim | Tracy's Mad Fat Diaries
Instead, my diaries start in 1998, which is where I was 15 and at the end of third year in high school. It’s pretty weird, when I look back through it, because I started this little thing that I’ve kept up: time, music, place and date in the top, and then “dear [journal],” although “dear journal” was only for the one written in the ringbound notebook; the others have all been “dear diary,” except for the entries which have been written specifically aimed at people.

Yes, I sometimes write entries in my diary, aimed specifically at people. No, you don’t want to read them if they’re aimed at you.

This is part two, covering diaries five to six. Part one, covering diaries one to four, is here.

Mad Fat Diary #5: July 19, 2007 to January 1, 2012

(Again: if you’re reading in RSS or a reader or anything similar you’ll probably have to come to the the entry to see the gallery below, which includes all the photos from Mad Fat Diary #5.)

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Unlike the other diaries, I don’t need to look far to find the first mention of hating myself; maybe because it’s about year or so after my girlfriend/fiancée, Danii, and I broke up.

July 19, 2007

Dear Diary,

It’s silly, though. The only thing that’s really bothering me right now is the fact that I’m still single. Not that I’m used to being in a relationship; I’ve had, what? 4 girlfriends and 2 boyfriends in my lifetime, and the longest of those was nearly 2 years, entirely unconsummated? Yeah, I’m the relationship Queen, baybee! Haha.

But no, seriously.

I’m just annoyed because I’m totally aware that I probably wouldn’t have this problem if I wasn’t fat. People don’t want GFs (girlfriends) as fat as me (although I’m getting skinner!) and GOD, all I want is a significant that Cola can like.

(Cola’s my best friend in the entire frelling world. I’ve known her since 2001, and so far, she’s only ever liked two of the people I’ve dated – The Girl, who she moderately liked, and my current boyfriend, Reese, who she actually likes.)

August 8, 2007

Dear Diary,

I lost 5.5lbs this week. Mum’s right.

I am totally doing this.

I am beautiful.

I am bold.

I am healthy.


Resolutions for 2008 included, “lose 98lbs (7st) – as always, ‘lose weight’ is among my resolutions, but this year past has proven that I can do it. I’ve already done it!”, “Stay sober for at least 364 days of the year, because I know that denying myself entirely is the worst idea in the world. Been there, done that, gone off the rails,” and “try to love yourself more.”

Apparently 2008 was a leap year, because I mention taking 366 pictures (one a day), which gives me two days of the year to get drunk. That’s pretty kind of myself, haha!

I’d also joined Curves in 2007, and complained about my ’68″ ass’ making me seem shorter than I actually am, but on January 1, 2008, I get to a point where I weigh less than 27st for the first time since 2004. But that was at night, and I think, by the next morning, the weight wasn’t the same.

January 12, 2008

Dear Diary,

I am admitting this to you, because admitting it is half the battle, right?

The past several times I’ve been in Tesco, unaccompanied, I’ve bought a 6- or 8-pack of Viennese Whirls and a 6- or 8-pack of Cherry Bakewells. And it needs to stop RIGHT NOW.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I also admit to eating, “an 8-pack of Viennese Whirls, a 6-pack of Cherry Bakewells, a half of the big pack of Doritos, and one of those [Eeyore] cakes that’re meant for 4 or 6 kids,” while my parents were in Paris, washed down with a 2-litre Coke Zero. How/why I didn’t vomit, I will never know.

Not at all related to weight-loss/self-hatred, but I’d forgotten that I lost my phone when I was in Downtown Disney. When I got back to Ireland, I said:

“So my phone is pretty much officially lost; it’s not even going to voicemail anymore; it’s now going direct to “this call cannot be connected”. Which is kind of shit; that phone was only 6 months old (and 2 days away from retirement!).

There’s tonnes of stuff like that littered through my diaries. You can tell when I started getting into weirder fandoms, when I start using “WTF” and “OMG” and when I used The Dark Tower-isms even when I’d never read the books, and when I actually used the word “frell”, even although I’d only ever seen Farscape in passing. (But I’m almost finished the entire four series now on Netflix.)

This diary’s different, though. I don’t know why I decided to do it with this diary, but I kind of created a scrapbook with it. I’ve got a Chili’s beer mat “margarita bar” and all of my World of Disney” squashed pennies stuck on one page with writing around them, and my tickets to Tampa via NYC-Kennedy on the opposite page.

A ticket to the shitty nightclub we went to on my 25th birthday. The ticket for Eddie Izzard’s Stripped tour at the Tampa Theatre. Train tickets from a trip back home to Scotland, while I was living in Ireland.

Resolutions for 2010 were, apparently, “Fuck resolutions right up the arse, and just be a healthier, happier, better person.

But then, of course, I turned 27, and made the following resolutions:

  1. Lose weight
  2. Exercise consistently
  3. Leave the house more often
  4. Stay at Weight Watchers
  5. Drink more water!

This is after I’ve joined the gym, but it’s Weight Watchers in Scotland, which isn’t quite as successful as Weight Watchers in Ireland, for some reason. This specific entry, which isn’t actually on my birthday, but a few days after, ends with:

I’ve had so many years where I’ve told myself I’m going to lose weight and change my life.

This is just going to be the year that I actually do it.

Over the page from that, I’ve got an autograph from Michelle McManus, from when my Dad worked in The Hilton in Glasgow. It was a really lovely thing for him to do, because Michelle’s a big girl, too, but confident and beautiful and – well. Yes. She’s rather faboo, really.

July 2, 2011

The people from Supersize vs. Superskinny: Families called Lorna and I.

I’m really hoping we get accepted; it would be so good for both of us. We really need it right now.

It’s around this time, though, that I’ve started updating after a huge empty time, and of course, what happened in this empty time? My sisters got married, and before my big sister got married the year before, I started dating my boyfriend.

Lots and lots and lots of entries about my boyfriend, oops. At least I’m not bitching about how much of a cock he is. He’s the decent one.

August 12, 2011

Dear Diary,

So, Lorna and I got called back for The Biggest Loser! :) We were so worried that we weren’t going to be able to make it to the final stages because they take place in London, and I was looking at flight prices and train prices, and they were all too expensive. We couldn’t both afford to fly, or take the train.

[...]The bus trip down was horrendous. We got picked up at Hamilton, but because the bus stopped at Glasgow first, by the time we got on the bus, there were only empty seats right at the front… and the driver had his bags on the seat behind him, so Lorna and I were the only people forced to share a seat (SERIOUSLY. EVERYONE ELSE HAD A SEAT TO THEMSELVES!). Right at the front. Where there’s the barrier at the stairs. Where you can’t stretch your legs out at all.

The air conditioning was broken, and the heat passed 30° at one point. I watched it the thermostat. I thought I was going to vomit and/or pass out at one point. When we got to the rest stop, I got out and stuck my fingers down my throat, but I didn’t have anything throw up. It helped me feel better anyway.

[...]I managed to get us through the Tube easily, which is surprising, considering the last time I was there was in 2004, and I needed about a dozen Original London-Born Sherpas™ to guide me through! NOT THIS TIME, THOUGH.

I did have to ask for help once, to make sure we were getting on the correct train. Other than that, I’m amazed at how much I remember from one visit to London almost ten years ago.

The medical tests/audition went well, I think. There was this one thing: you had to step up and down onto this big metal step for three minutes, and I’d forgotten to bring my inhaler, so I only managed to make it to two and a half minutes before I felt like I was going to faint. I can only hope it doesn’t count against me.

I’ve got my fingers so tightly crossed right now. We’ll find out if we’ve got through around Aug 23.

If we get through, everything kicks off on Sept 11.

One month, and my life will either change or stay the same. But we are going to get on, Lorna and I, and we are going to change our lives.

The people we auditioned with are really nice! I forget most of their names, except for Tamara, who was a young black London girl. She reminded me quite a bit of myself. There was only one person larger than me – a guy whose name I can’t remember – who I just kept on calling “Mr. Greedy” in my head, because he was wearing a Mr. Greedy t-shirt, and he said he weighed 26st. (When they weighed me in, I weighed 160.2kg, or 353lbs.)

But yeah! I think we all got along pretty well, especially the Welsh girl and her Dad, they seemed really nice. I’d love to see some of them in the house, but there were two guys who were really annoying. We were asked (not all of us) who would we eliminate? and one of the annoying guys said they’d eliminate me, because of “deep-fried pizzas”, which Lorna and I had mentioned when we’d been talking about local foods we liked that you couldn’t get anywhere else.

I mean. Seriously?!

The series producer, Louise, told him it wasn’t a valid elimination reason, so HAHA FUCK YOU, MAN.

I remember sitting in the bus station, waiting for our bus home. I made sure Lorna and I were the FIRST PEOPLE ON THE BUS, and we sat on separate seats across the aisle from each other, put our bags beside us, and fell the hell asleep. Nobody bothered us. I think, being as we were both overweight, nobody would have anyway. But the bags were an extra precaution.

(Obviously, Lorna and I didn’t get on The Biggest Loser – it was this series, and we actually met the winner, Kevin, (and Amy Mac) at our originally audition in Glasgow, whereupon I said to him, “Well, you’re a shoo-in to get on the show. They’re not going to turn down a guy of your size.”

He didn’t take it as a criticism. He gave me that sort of corner-of-the-mouth cocky-confident smile that people do, “Yeah, I know.”

The Welsh people I mentioned that I liked, in London, are Geoff and Sarah. I felt really sorry for Geoff, because he got through and then pulled out before getting into the house, for health reasons. :(

A couple of entries after The Biggest Loser thing, there’s an entry where I’m getting nostalgic about high school after, shock horror, watching High School Musical. Because I was a music geek in high school: choir, string group, orchestra, drama. Individual viola tuition. Days where I only had to go to 1 class because of winter/spring/summer concert rehearsals.

October 12, 2011

[...] I’m 28 years old, and I feel like I sleepwalked through high school. I feel like I was never really there. I never really lived those years, because I…

Because I was fat.

It’s one thing I’m pretty fucking annoyed about: I feel like I’ve never really lived or done anything, because I’ve been too busy being fat.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do when I lose weight. It’s not like I can rewind time to when I was 12, but be a healthy weight the whole time instead. I’m going to live with all these stupid regrets for the rest of my life, and that pisses me off.

It’s not even the things I listed on The Biggest Loser form (being able to run without hurt, being able to take a bath, etc); it’s things like: have a boyfriend – or girlfriend! – as a teenager. Have a first kiss worth remembering! Have someone ask me to dance at the school disco. Don’t spend playtimes hiding from bullies in the library.

How’d you get stuff like that back?

How do you do away with the fact that you’re 28 (now 31) years old, but you feel like you’re still 12 inside, because that’s basically when you stopped actually being able to do anything the people your age did?

A few pages after that, there’s an autograph from Ruth Lorenzo, my biggest X Factor Girl Crush EVER. Also from when my Dad worked in the Hilton. It’s got a big smiley face next to it. It’s stuck above an entry where I’m bitching about everyone in the house bitching about everyone in the house… :/

Resolutions 2012: include lose weight, exercise more, try to get a job, blog at least twice a week, move into your own place.

Shock horror, eh? Well, I stuck to most of them this year: I did exercise more, I did try to get a job, this was the year that I started blogging twice a week, and I moved into my own place at the end of January 2012.

Mad Fat Diary #6: January 12, 2012 to Present

(Again: if you’re reading in RSS or a reader or anything similar you’ll probably have to come to the the entry to see the gallery below, which includes all the photos from Mad Fat Diary #6.)

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I’m still in the midst of a breakup when this diary starts. “Let’s hope I find someone amazing who doesn’t ever let me down, or let’s hope that I have lots and lots of unfulfilling sex as I try to fill a void in my life. Personally, I’d hope for the latter. *shifty*”

So far, I’ve counted four entries written to my boyfriend during the breakup.

I want your heart broken
Some sign of emotion
I wanna see the tears tumble down
Show me I meant something
And that you feel nothing
But your world crashing to the ground

Meat Loaf’s Cry Over Me is my definitive break-up song. Screw every other break-up song ever.

November 29, 2011

Dear Diary,

Today’s a pretty bad day. I feel like I’m coming down from the worst high ever and I thought for a minute, “If it wasn’t for Reese and Cola, I’d just kill myself right now.”

That’s how bad it is.

And I know why. I bought a load of crap while I was doing my shopping, and then I ate all of it at once.

I am fat and disgusting and I don’t deserve to live.

I just wish I could fix what was wrong with my brain so I

A) wouldn’t feel like this anymore, and
B) wouldn’t feel the need to eat like this any more.



The first few resolutions for 2013?

  1. Blog at least twice a week. Your readers still deserve this. Try to make them quality posts, too?!
  2. Walk once a day, no matter how short a walk
  3. Lose some fucking weight, you fat fuck.
  4. Turn 30. Don’t die.

Apparently, 2013 was the year to “go fucking big or go fucking home, Tracy.”

Amazingly, 2013 was a really quiet year. I think I spent most of it in front of the PS3. Or FATGIRLslim. But there’s not a lot there, and if there is, it’s stuff that’s, for a change, not about me.

Even when we get into 2014, there aren’t any resolutions. It’s just, “Hey it’s been a while btw this is what’s happened,” and then, this past week, “The Universe decided to drop some shit in my lap this past weekend!”

I think the thing that’s most surprising is that while this probably seems like a lot, considering these diaries cover almost sixteen years of my life, I thought there’d be more self-hate.

Considering how much I sit in my head every day and think, “ugh, I hate being this fat,” (and that’s very rarely not followed up by, “I should do something about that.”) there’s very, very little of it actually written down. Even the entries that are “I’m starting a diet tomorrow!” entries aren’t, for the most part, “I’M STARTING A DIET TOMORROW BECAUSE I’M FAT AND DISGUSTING AN UGLY AND I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF” entries.

The entries where I’m feeling disgusted with myself are the entries where… well. Where boys or girls are involved. Where food’s been involved in one way or another.

Where things are externalised.

I honestly expected to look back over my diaries, only to find that every other entry was filled with, “I hate myself, I’m so fat and disgusting, I’m going to kill myself and I’m going to bleed Hershey’s syrup because I’m so fat,” kind of a thing.

It’s been weird to find that, mostly, I’m just really, really lonely. My friends are all spread across the globe. I don’t have any friends that aren’t “through a medium” as my therapist puts it.

I’m basically using food to try to fill those voids that I talked about up there. But food isn’t love. Sex isn’t love.

Especially not if it’s the kind of love I can give myself.


Who thinks it’s about time I start forgiving myself? ‘Cause I certainly do.

“Whatever it is that compels me to write a diary is the same thing that inspires me to write and create characters and draw and sing and dance: the inability to express myself verbally or orally. (May 24, 2003)”

FATGIRLslim | Tracy's Mad Fat Diaries

Warning: THIS IS A SERIOUSLY IMAGE-HEAVY POST. But pretty interesting, too.

I don’t know how many of you have been watching My Mad Fat Diary. It should probably be ALL OF YOU, but probably won’t be. It’ll probably be closer to none of you, which is because a lot of y’all are in America. For details, check out the Wikipedia page, because otherwise I’ll spend about 2,000 words babbling about it. Suffice it to say that I found myself relating to the main character, Rae (Rachel), pretty easily… except for the whole bit where boys found her attractive. That never happened to me.

See, I’ve kept a diary ever since I was a kid. Like, since I was maybe five or six. I should have diaries dating back more than 20 years, but the diaries I kept when I was that young got torn up and/or burned when I was scared that my Mum and Dad or sisters would find them. They were the cutesy kind, with the lock on them, and the pretty paper inside. Not such pretty things inside, though, as I’m sure you know by now.

FATGIRLslim | Tracy's Mad Fat Diaries
Instead, my diaries start in 1998, which is where I was 15 and at the end of third year in high school. It’s pretty weird, when I look back through it, because I started this little thing that I’ve kept up: time, music, place and date in the top, and then “dear [journal],” although “dear journal” was only for the one written in the ringbound notebook; the others have all been “dear diary,” except for the entries which have been written specifically aimed at people.

Yes, I sometimes write entries in my diary, aimed specifically at people. No, you don’t want to read them if they’re aimed at you.

This is part one, covering diaries one to four. Part two, covering diaries five and six, is here.

Mad Fat Diary #1: June 7, 1998 – August 17, 1998

FATGIRLslim | Tracy's Mad Fat Diaries
The first entry I found in the 1998 journal re: weight reads as follows:

(time): 10:54am
(place): bedroom
(music): California Dreams OST
(d8): 10/7/98 (July 10th 1998)

Dear Journal,

I have decided that I, Tracy E. Webster, am going to lose weight, and it’s about time too! I’m just not happy with the way I am, and I’m going to change that – I’m going to be happy! I start on Monday!

I don’t know why, “I start on Monday!” According to Google, it was a Friday.

(There’s an entry where I’m listening to “The ‘I dunno’ Song”. Dear 15-year-old-self: WTF.)

21 days later? “Having seen the last diet of mine fall to pieces because of a total lack of willpower [...]“…

Mad Fat Diary #2: August 18, 1998 to December 31, 2000

The second diary, I forgot to get a picture of the actual diary… but you can sort of see the material of the book in the picture up there. Second from top. It’s covered in a kind of brocade fabric, and it’s pretty thick. I’ve got a picture of the inside:

FATGIRLslim | Tracy's Mad Fat Diaries
Most of my diaries have stuff like this: little snippets of my life at the time. A Hanson photo, a photo of boys from high school in a football team? I think, some bank details, and something that’s supposed to be Mandarin but I’ve never been able to figure out what it actually is.

First entry I could find to do with dieting/my weight/hating myself:

September 12, 1998

Dear Diary,

I hate myself. I’m fat and ugly and so hateful. I hate almost everyone I know for one reason or another.

And then I list reasons that I dislike everyone in my life. Including thinking that my BFF-at-the-time was “my idea of perfectness” because she had “a slim body. She’s also dead smart”.

I wish I was kidding.

Date: January 4, 1999

Weight: 19 stones (I believe this is the first actual mention of my WEIGHT in my diaries)

Aim: 15 stones

Dear Diary,
I have once again decided to lose weight. Every Monday I will weigh myself and update you on how well I am doing. Here’s to skinnines!! (sic)

Date: January 6, 2000

Dear Diary,

[...] It’s not their fault (I felt like a third wheel). I could have a boyfriend, but I’m not pretty or a size 10 [...]. None of the guys that I know are interested in me like that because I’m overweight. [My BFF]‘s lucky – she’s normal; I’m a freak.

There’s also a wonderful post in October 2000 where I officially come out to myself, even although I’ve known I’ve been anything-but-straight since about 6-years-old.:

I’m kinda scared to write this down, because if I write it down, then it’s true, and I can’t hide it. I’ve been fighting it since Primary Six, and I feel like it’s killing me. Okay, here goes. Deep breath. Nerves tumbling, heart collapsing, I say: ‘ I’ve fantasised about women since I was eleven. I know I’m not gay because I like guys, but the thought of a penis at the moment makes me sick. Damn you to hell, Thomas King. A woman has never sexually assaulted me, and I guess this is why I am physically attracted to them? Because of this, I know I am bisexual, although I have never yet been with a woman, or kissed one yet either. I, Tracy Elanor Webster, am bisexual.’

I still think it’s funny that the dates are always skewed in things like this. I say, “Since Primary Six”, when I was eleven in Primary Six, but I had a girlfriend when I was aged 5/6, and we snuck off behind bushes to kiss and hold hands and giggle and do girly stuff together. It’s not intentional lying; it’s just unintentional forgetfulness. There’s actually a huge amount of that, dotted all through my diaries… and through my memory.

Reading through my diaries is like looking at a completely different life. I remember complaining about an unhappy childhood and teenagehood, but the amount of complaints in my diaries are… wow. Impressive. I don’t remember hating my parents and siblings and my friends quite as much as I make out in my own handwriting.

It’s amazing.

Mad Fat Diary #3: April 30, 2002 to May 24, 2003

Book three was a book bought for me by my friend, James. I describe him in the first page as, “Best guy-friend in the world. From Norfolk (OOH-ARR! [- even although, y'know, Norfolk's in the feckin' EAST] – very sweet + innocent. We think.)” He’s still my best guy-friend in the world. :D

FATGIRLslim | Tracy's Mad Fat Diaries
This one’s just a plain black lined notebook with a panel of artwork stuck on the front – Latin writing in the middle, and I have no idea what any of it actually is, obviously. I like the actual notebook, though.

FATGIRLslim | Tracy's Mad Fat Diaries
The little “self-esteem” sticker came from an egg vending machine somewhere in Oregon, close to Century High School in Hillsboro, I think? If I can remember properly. The diary starts before we knew we were going to Oregon. I probably weigh about 25st (350lbs), and I’m working in a video store in town.

But there’s an entry, five days before I’m due to go to Oregon, when I’m talking about my fears about leaving the country, which include:

  1. [Forgetting] my passport
  2. [Breaking] my glasses on the way to the ‘plane
  3. Lost my luggage
  4. Couldn’t fit in the seat
  5. Wasn’t allowed on, due to weight restrictions

Funny thing? I fit in the seat just fine, and I’ve never once been questioned about my weight when flying. I’ve never once been told that I’ll need to buy two tickets – if I had, I’d be screwed and stranded at the airport – despite my fears due to what I’ve seen in the news.

(In that same entry, I’m also talking about our hamster, and apparently he’s called Mr. Nibblesworth. I’m pretty sure that was my little sister’s doing, like she was the one that named our cat Twig. Haha!)

But still, resolutions for 2003 included, “Lose weight by: [going] to the gym 3 times a week (starting Monday) as long as we’re here.” and “care more about myself” as well as “improve [my] life”. That was the year that I got put on the combined Pill; the year when Mum and I started eating healthily and I got a (sort-of) boyfriend and a (sort-of) girlfriend and I walked everywhere and swam a lot and lost something like 40 or 50lbs in 4 months, and then put it all back on and then some when I went home.

And I never did actually go to the gym three times a week while we lived in Oregon. But I did go for a swim in the complex pool almost every day.

It’s weird that it’s not often I actually talk about the crazy, though, like I’m fine admitting the fat and the gay but talking about the crazy? No no no, don’t talk about the crazy because then it’s REAL.

January 6, 2003, John and Marrie’s Kitchen

Dear Diary,

I think I might be crazy. I think I keep on seeing things and I keep on hearing people shouting on me when there’s no-one there.

But mostly, it’s the seeing things. I see shadows and reflections of things that aren’t there.

And it’s not paranoia. I haven’t been doing anything to be paranoid about, but I still don’t know why I’m seeing things.

There goes one now; a shadow just passed behind my left shoulder, and five minutes ago, I could have sworn someone stroked my arm.

Truth be told, this still happens to me – the shadows thing – but I’m on Quetiapine/Seroquel for the voices after I went to see a psychiatrist in 2004/5 when I heard someone whisper my name right in my ear, and heard someone banging in a wardrobe that belonged to the house we were living in, despite the fact that I was alone in the house, since my little sister was in Canada, and my parents were up in the Highlands or something.

There’s other stuff in this one, too – like how there’s the entry where I lose my virginity (one month and a day after my 20th birthday), and it’s written in GLITTER GEL PEN (Dear 20year-old-self: WHY?!) but when The Boy comes into the picture, there is, of course, talk about “it’s the last fucking time [I pig out]. I want to be one of the girls the guys see wearing a bikini down by the pool and immediately wish they had X-Ray vision. And it might seem shallow, but it’s not just about that. My knees are hurting, and I can’t walk up the two flights of stairs to my room all at once without either getting out of breath or getting lightheaded. I want to go cycling with [The Boy]. I want to be able to jump in the pool without hitting the bottom. I want the boys to pick me up and I want to have a reason to wax my bikini line. I want to be able to play with the kids [I'm babysitting] and not just watch them play with each other and I want to be able to dance and be silly and crazy and I want a fucking GODDAMNED LIFE™.”

Mad Fat Diary #4: June 18, 2003 to December 12, 2006

(Anyone reading in RSS or a reader or anything similar might have to come to the the entry to see the gallery below, which includes all the photos from Mad Fat Diary #4.)

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The start of this one’s mostly me bitching about The Boy and The Girl and how they’ve gone off to have a nice wee relationship by themselves, and I’ve been left all by my lonesome. There is a lot of bitching from me, let me tell you. Annoyingly, it’s mostly about how I still really, really like them both, but, “I know I’m not a keeper. I know that. I just wish I could have been ‘kept’ a little longer, to find out if we had a relationship or not.” At this point, I’ve basically convinced myself that the reason The Boy and I broke up, and the reason The Girl and I broke up, is because of my weight, and how I look.

There’s an entire entry dedicated to the fact that I’m not as pretty as The Girl, and would The Boy and I still be together if I was thin?

(For those confused: There was The Boy. Stuff Happened between The Boy and I; he called it “a relationship”; I’m not entirely convinced that’s what it was. I don’t think he was, either. Then there was The Girl. Who ended up dating The Boy. And who ended up dating me. And. Stuff. It got complicated. :|)

It’s really weird that this diary doesn’t have any/many(?) cinema tickets stuck in it, because it’s OREGON, and I know that I have a lot of stubs from the Tanasbourne Cinema, including at least 7 from going to see whichever Lord of The Rings and Pirates of The Caribbean movies were out at the time, and one from the Only Date I’ve Ever Been On In My Life And Even That Wasn’t Really A Date when The Boy and I went to see Tomb Raider together.

[...] or it’s the way I look or… or he’s a coward and afraid his friends would laugh at him if they saw him with me.

Basically, all of 2003 is me bitching about what a dickface The Boy is. Because he was. I don’t know him now; I could request an add on Facebook and see if he’s still a dickface, but. Yeah, not going there. There’s a reason I’m not friends with him anymore.

2004 starts with: “Still trying to do good on my resolutions. As of tomorrow, though, I’m seriously going to cut out the junk. I am sick to death of being fat, lazy and slobbish.”

This is the year that I went to college, so it’s about a month before I joined Weight Watchers for the first time.

Wow, there’s a terrible piece of poetry. When I was 19/20/21 etc, I used to write terrible poetry all the time. I never knew there was a bit of it in my diary, though.

August 15, 2004, Uncle Andrew’s old room, Granny and Granda’s house

Dear Diary

Have you ever missed a day at church
Have you ever told a lie?
Have you ever sworn deliberately
To make a young one cry?

Have you ever hurt a loved one?
Have you ever slept around?
Have you ever wished a bomb would fall
And flatten your whole town?

Have you ever done a terrible thing?
Have you ever done something worse?
Have you ever walked right through the mall
And made a grab at someone’s purse?

Have you ever been a bad girl?
Ever kicked in someone’s head?
Have you ever been something other than good?
Ever wished that you were dead?

Would God forgive me my sins,
If I forgive him his?
Have you never wanted anything
That was more than this?

I should probably include a disclaimer that not all of this is about me, but sitting in Granny and Granda’s house before heading to college, under the watchful gaze of a crucifix or two, brings out a guilt you wouldn’t believe.

But then, of course, I basically stopped writing while I was in college, unless it was to talk about my girlfriend/fiancée, or the roleplay group I was a part of, or my plans to apply to University of the Arts London after finishing my HND Graphic Design, so that I could move down to London to live with some of my fellow RPers. At this point in time, I preferred to write online, on Livejournal, but annoyingly, I’ve done a few clean-ups of my Livejournal accounts, and a lot of it’s missing.

So, my birthday, 2006: resolved to “exercise at least 15 minutes a day. Lose weight,” etc etc.

March 29, 2006

Dear Diary,

Wow, a week already. Still haven’t exercised or anything yet. I know it’s hard to get started and everything, but hey! I danced a lot at the weekend [while probably being blind drunk]. Does that count? I hope so. My arms were killing me on Sunday, along with the rest of me. But it was so worth it.

I think the brackets kind of explain a lot about college and the year after: blind drunk. I spent about €100 every weekend I lived at home going out with my parents, and probably £40 I was at college. And during the week, it was two bottles of rum and probably about six or seven bottles of Diet Coke during the week because I was a fucking alcoholic and couldn’t get through a day without a drink.

Sometimes, I think my girlfriend/fiancée had it right to get shot of me when she did. It took me until… oooh, late 2006 to give up the drinking-every-day schtick, I think. Which I replaced with eating-a-tub-of-dulce-du-leche-Haagen-Dazs ever day, because I bought it on the way home from work and my flat at the time didn’t have a fridge or freezer so it all had to be eaten at once. The same reason I lived on takeaway for a solid six months…

Want to read more? Because there’s more. There’s still another two diaries to go, including that one time my sister and I auditioned for The Biggest Loser

Continue on to part two!

+4.7lbs since Jan 15 2013

Well, all I can say I can say is, “Thank god that withdrawal is over and done with.” I honestly thought I was going to die at some points; it was absolutely horrendous. The annoying thing is that I specifically asked for a one-month prescription so that when I got my managed repeat prescription in the middle of this month, that I’d get EVERYTHING AT ONE TIME.

What did they do?

They gave me a two-month prescription. So rather than having to only go once every two months and never forgetting anything (or not noticing, “Oh, I don’t have any more boxes of this one left,” which is usually what happens) I now have one prescription in the middle of one month, and another in the middle of the next month. *SCREAMS*

But no more withdrawal.

The bad news is that I managed to gain 7lbs while I was manic and insane, apparently.

Oh well. I have a month in which to remedy that number; 2lbs a week should have that gone and then some.

I still haven’t managed to start this whole sugar detox thing yet. :| I didn’t even manage to do a full shop in the last fortnight – only managed it yesterday, sort of. I’m planning on making my own butter at some point in time in the next few days, so I’ll be posting about the exploits of how that goes. >:3 Mum’ll be happy, because she’ll get the buttermilk. I’ll be happy, because I’ll get the butter.

Might even try to make some cheese, eventually! (The paneer-y kind, obviously. Don’t think I’m quite up for trying to make cheddar. ;) )

But at least I know that’s something I can do, right now, since I can’t make pâté. :( I needs me a food processor so that I can make some more pâté that doesn’t have disgustingly unpronounceable ingredients in it. (My Kenwood Chef is amazing, but I can’t BLITZ with it. I’m wondering, however, if I minced the chicken livers before cooking them, then cooked the ingredients and then beat them with the beater attachment, if it’d be the same/better than blitzing them in the processor… *thinky thoughts*)

Seriously, though, have you ever looked at the ingredients in store-bought pâté? It made me want to vomit. I actually found one that only had ONE shelf-stabiliser, lasted two weeks, and all the other ingredients were actual food… and I can’t remember the name of it now, and haven’t seen it since. Just typical.

How about y’all? What typically store-bought foods do you prefer to make at home to reduce additives in your diet, and which foods would you suggest that people make at home instead of buying in-store?

Obviously we know that home made bread tastes better than pre-packed store-bought bread, but what else? :)

I’m the worst person for managing my medication, sometimes, I swear. I’ve had a few times where I’ve run out of some of my painkillers and things, but there’s been once or twice where I’ve run out of my brain pills, and they’ve been the worst times I’ve had, because even after two days, you start to go through withdrawal.

I remember, when I was working in The Topic, I took myself off of escitalopram (Lexapro), because my brain just has a tendency to not like the SSRI class of antidepressants. It was about three weeks of “brain zaps” where it felt like electric shocks through my brain every ten or fifteen minutes. (And I’ve actually had an electric shock one time when I was testing the temperature of the water in a kettle I thought was off… and it wasn’t turned off. It felt like someone was jabbing really boney-pointy fingers into my sides really fast and they’d snuck up on me without me hearing and- blah. So it’s not like I’m using the comparison without understanding, y’know?)

This withdrawal’s different. This withdrawal’s like…

Well, I’ve been talking about my blood pressure lately, and how Dr. David said it was quite low. I’ve been keeping an eye on it, and it seems that I’m getting dizzy spells whenever it jumps about. It has a tendency to jump about during/after exercise, like when I’m going for, or coming back from, my walks. I’ll get these weird almost-brain-zaps, but it’s more like a sudden dizziness, and it happens when I turn my head, or I look in a different direction all of a sudden, or I blink.

It travels the length of my spine, and sometimes down my legs, too.

It’s absolutely horrendous.

Accompanying this is hunger. I’m probably going to start March about 10lbs heavier, because I’m hungry all the time. I stop when I’m full, but it’s like I’m hungry in between all the time, now, too, where I wasn’t before.

The good news is that I haven’t much food in my house, and I’m doing my best to keep my brain and hands otherwise occupied.

(A Benedict Cumberbatch-a-thon on the TV/Computer, and a lot of crochet.)

I’m supposed to go to Boots tomorrow to see if they’ve managed to wrangle me a month’s supply of Duloxetine until my repeat prescription comes in, in the middle of March – it’d require special permission or something, because my prescription is for a two-month supply, so hopefully they’ll hand it to Dr. David who will go, “YES HERE A MONTH IS FINE.” – and if I’m not allowed the month’s supply, then…


How long does withdrawal last for? Jeez. Coming off of Lexapro was about three weeks. I honestly can’t remember how long it took me to wean myself off of alcohol. Everything else has been done through doctor’s orders, so there hasn’t been much in the way of withdrawal there. If I don’t get the month’s supply, then I am going to be an absolute manic nightmare for the next few weeks, I think.

Pardon me while I go and find everything that Benedict Cumberbatch has ever been in. And decide whether to watch it in alphabetical or chronological order.

+1.4lbs since Jan 15 2013


I’d grumble and gripe about this until the end of time, but we all know what I’m like. “Ugh, I’ve gained a pound.”

“Ugh, but I tried so hard this week!”

“Ugh, but I didn’t-”

“Ugh, but-”

I didn’t really try that hard this week at all. But I didn’t completely screw it up, either. I obviously didn’t do perfectly, otherwise I’d have lost weight.

I’d love to completely blame it on the fact that I got my period yesterday, and that I’m pretty sure we all know that I gain weight like crazy when I get my period, but nah. I just had a reckless week, and I went to the chip shop last night and had a chip shop deep-fried pizza (Scottish delicacy!), with plenty of salt & vinegar, for my dinner, and a wee cheeky bar of tablet (another Scottish delicacy) for afterward.

(In addition to the period thing, I’m now probably also retaining water like a dam! :D And seriously, we know what that does to my weight. I’m ridiculous.)

But yeah. I didn’t try hard at all last week. I didn’t eat a lot of healthy stuff, because my freezer’s getting down to bare bones again (which will mean, oh god, going to stock up on meat and freezable foods again, soon) but I did find some lambs liver while I was in there last night, and some smoked haddock, so I’m going to have smoked haddock tomorrow night, and I’m going to make myself some lambs’ liver, mushroom and garlic pâté. I would call it Brussell’s Pâté, but as far as my understanding of the definition of Brussell’s Pâté goes, it has to have some actual lamb’s meat content in there, too? Which mine definitely won’t. It’ll be all liver, mushroom and garlic, and it’ll be effing delicious, thanks. And it’ll be good, healthy fats, so it’s not like it’ll be bad for my weight and my health, right?


I know that I said last week that I’d be posting that Slimpods video last week, and I didn’t quite get around to it, mostly because I’m pretty sure I sleepwalked through last week. I’ll be recording it in the next day or two and posting it up. I’ve also got a review for an Ozeri Blood Pressure Monitor to record and upload, too, and I’ve got to rewrite/revamp/upload/redo some stuff with the website, too.

That’s gonna be fun.

Right now, it’s bloomin’ freezing cold, so I’m going to take my nighty-night tablets, and take my 3DS and my cat to bed.

G’night, y’all~!


Saints & Slimmers
Saints & Slimmers is the UK’s fastest growing diet brand1, offering a range of diets to suit every taste, goal and budget, with prices starting from just £2.14/day. Founded by Oliver Cookson, the UK’s best known industry expert in the field of protein and nutrition, who founded the sports nutrition brands Myprotein® and GoNutrition™. Oliver has used his knowledge of the benefits of protein in dieting to help devise the products sold on Saints & Slimmers, which is one of the things that makes them so effective.

The Products

I was sent two different products to test out – I left it up to Hayley from S&S to decide which I was sent, but she mentioned muffins and pretzels and whey protein and mousse and what-have-you! I said I’d have loved to have tried the muffins and whey protein, but she was kind enough to not send me too many chocolate-y things, and sent me the pretzels and the TRIPLE(!!!) chocolate whey protein powder.

The pretzels are portioned individually, which is awesome, because if you have trouble with portion control, take one pack, and get the others out of sight, because you will want more. They taste just like regular pretzels, but the salt is lighter. No humongous salt crystals here! (But that’s a good thing, where your body’s concerned!) There is, however, a nice wee shock of salt right at the bottom of the pack, if you toss the crumbs back, if you’re a crumb-chaser. *grin* I even gave my Mum a few pretzels to try, and she said that she really, really liked them, didn’t know what the difference was between these pretzels and “regular” pretzels.

Only difference? These are portioned at 100kcal per bag, and contain less salt than regular pretzels.

Verdict: Pretzels

A definite ★★★★★ from me!

The Triple-Chocolate Whey Protein Powder is a 100% whey shake, also coming in at just 100kcal per serving (when made with water; 150kcal when made with skimmed milk), choc-full (ha, see what I did there?) of good protein to keep you fuller longer to stop you binge-ing and snacking on high-calorie foods in-between meals.

I made it in two different ways. I made it with 200ml of 1% milk, which I mixed (in another brand’s shake mixer) and poured into a glass. It wasn’t as thick as I’m used to Slim•Fast and other shakes, etc, being, but I’ve never had a pure whey shake/drink before, so I can’t compare! It was just a little thicker than the milk itself.

The flavour on the other hand… woooh boy. Triple chocolate alarm bells, ding-dong, etc! I am not usually one to ring the bells of chocolate-flavoured things, too, because I am definitely more of a savoury or vanilla-flavoured (or cherry; give me cherry any day!) things, but this wasn’t your ordinary, every-day, milk chocolate, boring, bog-standard chocolate-flavour.

This was really dang-good chocolate-flavoured-flavour.

Even when I made it with the 150ml of water (making it 100kcal; even when made with up to 200ml of water, it’s still 100kcal, but please note, if you were to increase the amount of milk, it would increase the amount of calories), I could still really taste the chocolate. It was a lot thinner, so I think a lot of the thickness of it came from the milk’s texture, etc, but the flavour was still all there, which is pretty impressive.

★★★★☆ for the whey protein, only because I’d be making it with milk the entire time and killing an entire extra – GASP – 50kcal.

Additional Photos

100% Whey Triple Chocolate Shake made with 200ml of 1% milk (please note, this is a 1/2 pint glass!)

100% Whey Triple Chocolate Shake made with 150ml of water (please note, this glass is much bigger than 1/2 pint!)

Also, notice how the colour’s much darker when it’s made with water. :D I just think that’s cool. Silly milk, being all white like that.


Overall, I’m really impressed with these two snacks. I hate to sound like I’m always impressed with everything, but considering I’m not the hugest fan of chocolate, the Triple Chocolate Whey Shake really is nice, and the pretzels are the best pretzels I’ve had in ages (that haven’t been Cream Cheese and Chive flavour!).

I will admit, I was more than able to eat 2 packs of pretzels at once, one time I had a seriously snack-craving, but rather 200kcals than, say, an entire pack of biscuits, right?

The Whey shake, on the other hand, does a damn fine job of keeping hunger at bay for at least two or three hours, so it’d be a fine thing to use if you were using a VLCD (which S&S offer) and were feeling hunger pangs, but were allowed extra calories in-between. It’d tide you over without screwing up your carb & calorie allowance completely.


Saints & Slimmers products are, as far I know(!) only available directly through Saints & Slimmers, where they offer a variety of diets, VLCDs, snacks, meals, meal replacements and accessories to help you lose weight. They also have a vibrant community, comprising blogs and forums, and offers, discount vouchers and codes in order to boost your efforts.


In the interests of full disclosure, I was provided 7 (seven) packets of 100kcal pretzels, and one 500g pouch of 100% Whey Protein Triple Chocolate Shake to review for Saints & Slimmers. I was not required to write a positive review; all opinions are, as always, my own. None of the links to Saints & Slimmers are affiliate links. 1 copy has been altered from Saints & Slimmers’ About Us page.

Dumbarton Rock and Castle – an important landmark for expats from Greenock and Port Glasgow. Interesting factoid: THE ROCK IS VOLCANIC.

I don’t know why I’m randomly and totally proud of Greenock Central Station. Maybe just because it’s a really old station? Until I moved away, I never really used it – we lived up in the valley and took a bus into town and used the other train station, or drove the car if we needed to go to Glasgow. But when we moved away, if I needed to come back to Greenock, it was either Greenock Central or Port Glasgow station I’d use, depending on where I was going.

It has this weird, disused track to one side, which I keep wondering if it has a magic, invisible train that runs on it, that only Hogwarts students or something can use, even although it probably runs in the wrong direction (i.e. this direction runs east, towards Glasgow). I love that it has the stairs going down to the track, still.

2014-01-28 17.09.50

And on either side of the track, there are TURRETS, like you’d see on a bloomin’ CASTLE, which, I don’t know. It’s just like, the coolest thing. As far as I know, it’s never been a castle.

2014-01-28 17.10.05

Pardon me for the randomness of the entry. It’s been a very long, very, very complicated day with far too much stress.