+2.4lbs
-14.6lbs since Jan 1 2013
372.3lbs

 

This is entirely my fault, and I’m admitting to it. I had a fucking terrible weekend when my brain went completely mental and I ended up eating everything in sight, including an entire Battenberg cake that I got for cheap in Sainsbury’s. I ate it in one sitting, like eating a Snicker’s or a Mars Bar. I’m not even kidding, and I wish I was.

But this is proof that you can’t out-exercise a bad diet. I was really terrible over the weekend, and I was fine for the rest of the week. I’ve probably burned calories in the thousands, but it’s still not enough to overcompensate for the fact that I probably ate way more than that, and I need to control my brain and my impulses when I do the whole stupid emotional eating thing.

I was talking to Dr. Walton, my new psychologist (oh god, I called her a psychiatrist and she chewed me out for it) about emotional eating and comfort eating and things like that, and I said something along the lines of:

I don’t actually believe in comfort/emotional eating.

When I eat a whole lot of junk food, it doesn’t make me feel good; it doesn’t make my emotions good. I like the taste of the food, yes, otherwise I wouldn’t buy it (although I made the mistake of buying some vanilla-flavoured maple syrup, and YUCK I won’t be making that mistake again, let me tell you), but while I’m eating it, I’m not sitting with my pack of French Fancies and Onion Ring Crisps and donuts and whatever the hell else I’m bingeing on and going, “OH MY GOD THIS FEELS SO GOOD.”

I’m sitting eating the food and I’m not really thinking or feeling anything at all. At one point, I probably think, “I should probably stop eating now. I feel kinda sick.” But I’ll keep on eating, because I don’t feel full (I don’t ever feel full when I’m eating junk food, which is weird. When I’m eating normal foods, I get a feeling of fullness, but present me with a dessert – even if it’s fruit! – and suddenly there’s space in my stomach again) and maybe I’ll say that I should probably just throw it out, but I don’t, because that’s a total waste of money, and I don’t actually buy junk that often nowadays because money’s tight and I don’t wanna waste money. Or there are the times when I put things away for later and then just whip them out again and eat the entire pack in one go (biscuits, crisps… Doritos are terrible for this) because “hell, it’s the same amount of calories whether I eat them all now or if I eat half now and half later.”

There’s never any thought or feeling of, “this food is going to make me feel better.” If anything, it makes me feel worse, because I end up feeling sick, and disgusted with myself because I’ve just eaten a whole host of junk and now I need to account for that and either work it off or reduce my calorie intake to make up for it.

So why do I do it? I did it because I was in a bad mood with someone. Not naming names. (Hah, now you’re all gonna be paranoid!) And all of my other channels of escape were out, so I went for a walk and ended up in the shop, buying junk.

And weekend junk binge + impending Time Of The Month = weight gain. I go to see Dr. Walton again next Tuesday. I’ll write next week’s weigh-in/update after I’ve been to see her.

Until then, I’m gonna do my best to A) keep my brain in check and B) not go to the Co-Op unless I absolutely have to. Too much temptation. Too little money.

  • http://iknowitsforreal.prettyprettyplease.org Fatso

    Yup. Along the way, I've managed to hit the heady highs of 449lbs and the low lows of 349lbs (I was so excited about that 100lb loss, too…) and you're right: it is frustrating! But it's my own fault if nothing else, and I just have to keep on trying. :) Thanks for climbing aboard the good ship FATGIRLslim! Enjoy the bumpy ride, if you can. ;)

    - Tracy

  • Rae

    Oh dear. You started at 383 in 2004 and are 372 in 2013? How frustrating. Folks say weight loss is a struggle but this really illustrates it. I wish you future success. I like your writing style and will follow your blog.

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